Life & Times of a Bonta

I wonder about God’s plan lately… 

He has given me some dreams, a vision… and desires… but where do they lead?

He has given him some dreams and visions and desires as well…

Will they align? 

Will they collide?

Confession/Call/Challenge

I have a confession to make.

I haven’t been spending as much time with God as I should be. Not in prayer, not in His word or meditation. It shows too. 

They say if you see someone with a Bible falling apart, that persons life usually isn’t. I’ve found this to be true more often than not. 

So my challenge to myself is to be in the word daily enough that I have to buy a new Bible for the one I have is falling to pieces.

What brought on this need for confession? Well, obedience. Or lack there of.

That has been the theme to my life as of late. Obedience to God and to his calling on my life.

If we aren’t following Him in His word how are we to hear Him? How are we to be obedient? You can’t obey what you aren’t told. And how can you be told something if you aren’t talking to the one in which has something to share?

There were two sermons I heard recently that really hit my heart. Convicted me on how much time I spend on trivial and frivolous things. How disobedient I am to God’s calling on my life. And not just the big stuff like career and future things, but little day to day things. We never realize how big of an impact we can make for God’s kingdom in the simplest things.

In Joshua 2 it is the story of the Israelites finally getting to the promised land. It took them 40 years to get somewhere that should have taken 11 days!!! 40 Years!? All because they didn’t trust God in their obedience to Him. Don’t let 40 years go by before you finally listen to HIm. 

I haven’t let 40 years go by, but I have let about 10 go by. In those 10 years I have had some experiences that I believe that have been very formidable and crucial in me being who I am. I also believe they happened to teach me lessons in obedience. I wasn’t being as obedient as I should have been or it wouldn’t have taken 10 years to get to where I am now. 

Now for how this relates to the present moment. 

In my junior year of high school while attending a Christ in Youth conference I stood up when the speaker asked who felt called to ministry. Whether it be full time, part time or lay ministry. I have been working in youth ministry since that day, but it has taken me this whole time to actually hear God. To see what He has been doing this whole time. What vision He has been putting together for me. What He has had in mind all along and I just wasn’t listening enough or paying attention. I am beyond overwhelmed by the dreams and visions He has put in my heart. I am also beyond scared at what will happen. I trust He is in control and is more than capable. It is my lack of faith in my self.

It terrifies me to think that the creator of the universe is choosing me to do something big. ME! Really? Well, why not? He used some pretty unlikely people to do some tremendous things for His name and His glory. 

To list a few: Moses, David, Paul, Peter, Samson, Shadrach Meshach and Abednego.

If He could use all of them to bring glory to His name, than why not me? So here I go. With full confidence in the Lord. That what He wants for me and from me will come to fruition as long as I am in His will and most of all obedient to Him.  I accept the challenge.

Ever want something?

I am still in a place of wanting something to the point it hurts. 

Wanting something… well in this case, someone.

I hate it. A lot. I do this to myself. I know it. But it is hard to not have feelings. 

Feelings aren’t something you have entire control over. Believe me. I have tried many a time to not have feelings for this someone. 

I am to a point where I am angry about it. Angry at them for not seeing it. I am a chicken and know it. I should say something, but can’t. Every time I have wanted to say something I feel this physical restriction. 

Which leads me to believe God doesn’t want me to say something. And maybe it isn’t Him. Maybe it is my fear, but either way, nothing is ever said. 

It is stupid! I just needed to vent.

Crying out.

You are always there for me in my time of need. In my darkest hour you hold my hand. When there is nobody else, you are there. Always in my corner. Everytime I feel like giving up you remind me of what I am worth, who I am, and who made me. You give me strength of 100 men and courage to stand against the most terrifying things. 

I thank you Father for never letting me down. For sitting with me in the despair and pain. i trust that you know what is best for me. 

I am stubborn and want what I want, but Lord you are so good and I know your plan exceeds my wildest dreams. Help me to believe this.

I am struggling. 

i feel like I am drowning and can’t get a grip on anything.

Be my strength. 

Be my fortress.

My beakon.

My life.

The more I say “yes” to things, the more I busy myself, the more God makes it apparent that I need more time with Him. 

I constantly fill my days with unnecessary busyness. 

I often spend tii much time with friends. Some of you reading that sentence will be thinking “that’s not possible! too much time with friends.” But you would be wrong. If other areas of your life start to fray. Start to get neglected, you need to say no to some things and focus on some of those other areas.

Somrtimes saying yes to every single church thing isn’t healthy either. I feel I do that more often than not. I am learning though. I need to be home sometimes. Focus on me and spend some time with the Lord with out anyone else. 

Yes, we are wired for relationship, but we need to have boundaries and we also need to have balance. I am lacking balance right now. 

I either seem like a recluse or I seem like the busiest girl in the world!

So I am trying to balance. 

Making time for church, friends, family and myself. And of course, the most important, God. 

Ponderings as of late

I have been thinking a lot. I tend to get stuck in my head more than not.

I day dream a lot. I think about things and why they are, or why certain things cannot be. 

Lately I have been thinking about my future. 

I tend to get stuck there. Not my past. 

Scripture has been telling me to focus on today. Not to worry. Dreaming is ok. Sure. But worrying… nope. 

I am trying really hard to focus on today and what God has for me here. What He has to show me in every moment of my day. 

It is difficult and takes a great deal of discipline. I am no where close, but I am trying.

And trying is better than not. It means I am not failing.

Most of the time.

Most of the time I believe I am strong.

Most of the time I believe that I can do this.

Most of the time I believe that what is front of me isn’t what God has for me.

Most of the time I believe that I can be friends.

Most of the time I believe that this friendship is all that it is. 

And all it will ever be.

But that’s only most of the time.

Today I believe that you and me would be cool.

Today I believe that you are in my life for a big reason.

Today I believe that you could be more than a friend.

Today it is hard to not tell you.

Today is difficult to not read into our banter and comical exchanges.

Today it is hard to hug you.

Today it is hard to not want to hold your hand.

Today is hard.

But…

I know that God DOES have a plan.

He knows me better than me.

He knows what I want, need, deserve better than I ever could.

He knows if you are for me.

And today I believe that He gives e this strength to not say something to you because He is working on us individually. 

Maybe you and me never will be more than friends.

If that’s His plan, that means He has someone pretty phenomenal for both of us.

That’s cool.